The arrival of our first Robins and a round of wet snow have marked the first signs of Spring here on the acreage. It also feels like the weight of a very dark and heavy time in my life is finally starting to lift.
Let me give you a little context:
I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life, often feeling “disordered”, like my brain just wasn’t wired properly. Then I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 40. Well, that explains it. This happened to be during the pandemic lockdowns of 2020 when I wasn’t allowed to work for 3 months. Did I mention this was a post about stress?
Last summer brought a traumatic and devastating loss that almost landed me in the hospital after a series of flashbacks and total nervous system breakdown. Then last month I had surgery, which was pretty minor in the grand scheme of surgeries, but scary all the same. I’ve desperately tried to find strength in the struggle, but I can honestly say the last 5 years, and the last 8 months especially, have been among the most stressful times in my life.
I share this with you because April is stress awareness month. And from the many conversations I’ve had recently, I know I’m not the only one getting her ass kicked by stress. This isn’t a “misery loves company” kind of story, because I don’t think this is misery. I think it’s human, and the reality is that being human is really effing hard sometimes. And if you’re feeling it right now too, I want you to know you’re not alone.
So, stress, what is it? Let’s look at some definitions:
Dictionary.com defines stress as:
- Physical, mental, or emotional strain or tension
- The physical pressure, pull, or other force exerted on one thing by another
- A specific response by the body to a stimulus, as fear or pain, that disturbs or interferes with the normal physiological equilibrium of an organism.
The World Health Organization defines stress as:
- A state of worry or mental tension caused by a difficult situation. Stress is a natural human response that prompts us to address challenges and threats in our lives. Everyone experiences stress to some degree. The way we respond to stress, however, makes a big difference to our overall well-being.
And Dr Kelly McGonigal (Psychologist, Educator and Author of several books including The Upside of Stress) says:
- Stress happens when something you care about is at stake. It’s not a sign to run away-it’s a sign to step forward.
I think all of these are true. Stress is a part of life and it’s something we all experience at some point in our lives. Stress has been the focus of my practice since the first year of my Massage Therapy program 22 years ago, after reading an article about trying to discern whether pain and tension in the Psoas muscle was due to a physical, mental, or emotional cause. (Spoiler alert – it’s D) All of the above. Mind, body, and emotions are not separate. What affects one will affect the others.)
Oh, and sidebar for the non-anatomy nerds reading this, the Psoas is the main flexor of the hip which lives deep in the belly, often referred to as “The Muscle of the Soul” which is closely connected with the stress response.
Stress has a really bad rap, and for good reason. It has the potential to knock you on your ass, wreak havoc on your life, and undermine your health and happiness. But are we really powerless in the face of it, like many of us have come to believe?
More and more I find myself asking:
- Is it the stress, or my relationship to it that’s causing me to suffer?
- Do I really have a disorder, or did I learn to cope with stress by tuning out?
- Who am I really underneath all this discomfort?
- What would happen if I felt the discomfort of stress in my body, rather than tuning it out?
Indeed, events in the last 8 months were the source of significant stress. And I didn’t want to feel any of it. But with many hours of integrative therapy, especially through my Yin practice (I promise I’ll have more to say about the badass-ness of Yin going forward!), My ADHD brain has learned how to tune in instead of out. I’ve learned how to feel. I’ve learned to hold space for the pain, the sadness, the anger, the grief, and everything in between. And somehow, I managed to find myself.
Granted, much, ok ALL of that was pretty awful.
But here’s the thing:
I feel more me than I’ve ever felt before. And for the first time, I’m able to recognize and appreciate my sensitivity, curiosity, hyperfocus, and capacity for going deep and connecting the dots as strengths.
As a Massage Therapist I get asked for deep pressure all the time. And I’m game for deep work. There are many layers to the issues in our tissues. But relieving stress in those deeper layers is not about pressure.
After 22 years of practicing Massage Therapy and helping my clients manage stress—while also diving deep into my own healing journey—I can tell you with absolute certainty:
Deep work is not about pressure.
It’s about presence.
It’s about tuning in to discomfort and learning to sit with it. It’s about cultivating the courage to feel, even (and especially) when it hurts and every part of you wants to run. In doing so, you build a relationship with stress, discomfort, and the reality of being human that allows you to trust yourself and your capacity to heal.
Healing is not for the faint of heart, and you can’t do it alone. But through the simple act of learning to feel (notice I said simple, NOT easy??) and understanding my relationship to stress, I’ve found an inner strength I never knew existed. Stress doesn’t have to break us; it can help us rebuild—if we choose to feel it and learn from it.
What’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned?
I am NOT powerless in the face of stress. And neither are you.
Photo by nikko macaspac on Unsplash
Deanna McDevitt
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